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July 6th, 2007
05:08 pm - It's been forever
Guess I had forgotten about this place....or I've just resorted to being a myspace blogger.....either way...it's been entirely too long.
Lots of changes have been made in my life since I last updated here....
I finally broke down and married a man I dated off and on for damn near 6 years.......
A week after our wedding....my husband left for his military training in Oklahoma.....
I found out I'm pregnant with his 2nd child about 2 months after that......
Turns out the baby I'm carrying is another little girl......
I found out a couple of days ago that my husband has already cheated on me......
and now...here I am....5 1/2 months pregnant and more heartbroken than ever.
I guess I should have seen it coming....I've never had any sort of luck in anything I've ever done. Now I'm torn....I don't know if I should just divorce his ass or give him another chance.....I'm very much against divorce...but I'm more against the act of commiting adultry.
I don't think I can handle being married to a man that I can't trust....I think in the end we'd both be miserable. I just don't understand why this happened and since my husband is going through training...he doesn't have access to a phone.....so we can't even talk or argue about it. I'm just left with the truth of what happened....and no explanations......I told him I knew more than I really did and he confessed and then he had to go but he told me he loves me and he doesn't want me to divorce him.....but I don't deserve this. I love him more than anything......I just don't understand why he did this to me....especially while I'm pregnant with his kid and trying to raise our 4 yr old by myself.
Some mornings it's hard to crawl out of bed.....I cry myself to sleep......I cry all day long it seems like.....I feel like my whole life has been destroyed.....
:(
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/depressed.gif) depressed
Current Music: Bones of Baby Dolls by Acid Bath
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March 29th, 2006
12:30 pm - Moving....
So I just found out last night that I have to move outta my apartment by this Saturday....that's only giving me 3 days to pack up and move out. This is almost a nightmare for me. I wanna cry.....
I'm moving 5 hours away from this place that I call home. I'm moving to San Antonio. I have a pretty huge apartment and so much stuff and I have to pack it all up by myself.....talk about hard work! It's just really gonna suck because my back and my arm are still causing me a lot of pain from my car wreck in December....so moving this furniture and boxes and stuff.....it'll prolly kill me!
This is just horrible....all that happiness that I was feeling....yup...it's all gone....I'm drowning in stress and sadness. I know that sounds really emo too! It's just that my whole world....my life....is being put on pause.....and all around me....good things are still happening to other people. There are so many people that have reasons to be happy or at least satisfied with their lives.....but since happiness failed me....in my mind....it should be failing everyone else...That sounds so selfish! I know I prolly didn't word that correctly so that's gonna make me look bad.
I'm so unhappy with myself right now...and I have absolutely no motivation to pack my things up either. I'd rather just sit and cry. I'm being a baby....I know....and eventually I'm gonna have to suck it up and just work through it....but it's situation is still so fresh....and it's just now sinking in....Last night I was just pumped up and ready to get out....now that I've had time to think about it....I don't wanna go.........
Anyway....it's time to convince myself to starting packing......
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/gloomy.gif) gloomy
Current Music: Disarm by Smashing Pumpkinds
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March 27th, 2006
10:40 pm - Always....and.....Never
I'm happy. It's crazy....it's been so long since I've felt this sort of happiness and its the very first time I've felt it being alone....and by alone....I do mean single. I'm just so happy with my life....I'm happy with myself....Even though there are so many things that are affecting my life in the most negative ways...I'm still able to look past them and be satisfied.
I haven't been doing much lately....I rarely go out anymore....I've been getting in a lot of "me" time. Been spendin my days watchin Sex and the City, playing Neverwinter Nights, renting tons of movies, reading, writing, tryin to start painting again....but I've got some sort of imagination block....so I've been doing lots of sketching.
I had lots of inspiration for paintings a couple of months ago....but I was lacking the motivation to get it all out....so now I'm suffering because I've lost it all...but soon enough it will all return to me and I'll find new inspirations.
I'm so exhausted....I haven't been sleeping well.....I guess my mind starts speaking loudly when the lights go out. Tossing and turning.....never any fun!
Sleepy time....I hope!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/exausted.gif) exhausted
Current Music: Stare At The Sun by Thrice
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March 24th, 2006
02:00 pm - Updates are fun.....
Eventually I'm gonna stop forgetting that I have a live journal......A lot has happened since I last updated....a horrible car wreck and a broken heart in December.....a shattered heart and a trip to New Orleans in January, official job loss and countless trips to Lafayette, LA in February, and my 23rd birthday in March....
Anyway....my mind is drawing a blank at the moment....so I'll write more later today :)
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/tired.gif) tired
Current Music: Coin Operated Boy by The Dresden Dolls
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October 17th, 2005
10:01 am - Hurricane Rita
Huge tree that fell thru the house....
This used to be the dining room....
This is after the tree was removed....
Pretty sad stuff....This was my grandmother's house....The place I grew up in.....and the one I finally moved out of just 6 months ago.....The house has to be rebuilt so it'll be another 8 months to a year before anyone can live in it again.....
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/content.gif) content
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09:20 am
The one person that keeps me going <3
Current Mood: content
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October 16th, 2005
08:54 pm
I think I'm finally having some sort of an emotional break down.....I keep expecting things to get better...instead more and more falls apart....
My aunt was keeping Kandyce in San Antonio for me until I got my apartment cleaned up and also because I was gonna start my job again and none of the daycares out here are up and running....so I had nowhere to leave her....well my boss keeps putting off opening our store but they told me I could go work at a different one if I wanted to....which I was planning on doing but instead my aunt decided she wouldn't keep Kandyce for me anymore because she thinks I'm lying about going back to work....so I had to pick her up today....now I have nobody to keep her....which means I can't work.....which means I have NOOOOO money!!! My bills are all past due but I got extentions on most of them til November.....but still....I don't know what to do.....
Adam and I aren't getting along....but that's nothing new....it's just worse than usual now because we are stressed over all that's been going on.....Sometimes I think we really hate each other because of the things we say when we are angry.......and sometimes I think we mean the horrible things we say.
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September 29th, 2005
02:04 am - Giving My Mind A Break
Stolen from Himbeeatch
NUMBERS
1: piercing? 7
2: tattoos? 0
3: height? 5'5
4: shoe size? 7 1/2
5: hair color? brownish-reddish
6: siblings? none
FAVORITES
1: food? sushi
2: thing to do? hang with my friends
3: thing to talk about? Music
5: drink? Killian's
6: clothes? jeans and a shirt
7: movie? Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
8: holiday? Halloween
HAVE YOU
1: ever cried over a girl? Yes
2: ever cried over a boy? Yes
3: ever lied to someone? Yes
4: ever been in a fist fight? Yes
5: ever been arrested? Nope
NUMBER
1: of times I have been in love? A couple of times...maybe
2: of times I have had my heart broken? Everytime I've gotten involved with someone
3: of hearts I have broken? 2
4: of girls I have kissed? 2
5: of boys I have kissed? I've lost count
6: of girls I've slept with? One
7: of boys I've slept with? 15
8: of drugs taken illegally? 4
9: of friends I would classify as true, could trust with my life with type friend? One
10: of people I consider my enemies? Maybe one
11: of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? 4
12: of scars on my body? 2
13: of things in my past that I regret? I regret nothing.....
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE
1: pretty? no
2: funny? not usually
3: hot? Nope
4: friendly? Sometimes
5: amusing? Nah...I'm lame
6: ugly? Yes
7: caring? Overly!
8: sweet? I try
9: dorky? Yes
DESCRIBE
1: Wallet? full of credit cards and very little cash
2: Hairbrush? Purple
3: Toothbrush? it's blue
4: Jewelry worn daily? nose ring, eyebrow ring, tongue ring, earrings, bracelets, Shiner Bock necklace
5: Pillow cover? The Crow
6: Blanket? Pirates of the Carribean...gotta love Johnny Depp
7: Sunglasses? None
8: Underwear? Black Fishnet
9: CD in stereo right now? Avenged Sevenfold
10: Tattoos? One day
11: Piercings? 2 in each ear....tongue, nose, and eyebrow
12: What you are wearing now? just a t-shirt
13: In my mouth? beer
14: In my head? Trey
15: Wishing? my home and my job
16: After this? SLEEEEEP!
17: Person you wish you could see right now? I miss Trey
18: Is next to you right now? my shoe
19: Your Mood? I'm kinda cranky....I've been up far too long!
20: The last thing you ate? a couple bars.....
21. Are deathly afraid of? Being alone
DO YOU
1: like candles? love em
2: like the taste of blood? as long as i get to draw it
3: believe in love? Sometimes I just don't know
4: believe in soul mates? No
5: believe in Heaven? No
6: believe in God? No
RANDOM
1: What do you want done with your body when you die? I don't care
2: If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be? Penguin!
3: What color are the walls in your room? White
4: Can you eat with chopsticks? Yup
5: What's your favorite coin? I like me some green
6: What are some of your favorite candies? the kind that makes rooms spin
7: What's something that you wish people would understand? my mind
8: What's something you wish you could understand better? Trey's mind
9: What is something that you really wish was still around? the electricity in my apartment
LAST THING/PERSON WHO
1: Slept in your bed? Kandyce
2: Saw you cry? Adam
3: Made you cry? Beaumont
4: Spent the night at your house? I don't have a house right now but the last person was Trey
5: You shared a drink with? Josh
6: You went to the movies with? Trey
7: You went to the mall with? Kandyce
8: Yelled at you? Adam
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/sleepy.gif) sleepy
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12:52 am
I am currently in Houston. I made it into Beaumont yesterday for the first time......the place is in horrible condition.....all the powerlines are down.....trees blocking all the roads....my apartment survived....I am thrilled about that....but sadly....my grandmother's house is almost nothing but a pile of bricks and tree limbs. I moved out of there merely 5 months ago....I left all my most valuable items there.....even the things that meant the most to me....all my memories remained in that house....because I believed that house was invinsible....nothing would ever happen to it....not ever..and now.......now it's all gone......
It's hard to believe what all has happened to the place I once called home. It is seriously sad driving thru the streets....so abandoned.....not much life around the area....well unless you wanna count the police and the military guys....that's pretty much all there is to see.....trees cover the streets and the houses.....signs down all over the place...powerlines are dangling in the middle of the streets and some are thrown across houses....glass is shattered all over the place.....I cried today...for the first time. I got tons of pictures......once I get my computer set up I'll upload them and put them up on here.
My family and I have spent hours upon hours in what is left of the house.....we've been trying to save the few things that survived. I spent all of yesterday and all of today there....and I will most likely go back tomorrow....just one last time....until we are told we can go back and carry on with our lives.....Luckily my grandma has homeowner's insurance so she's gonna get a new house. We've been told that the house is in such horrible condition that it has to be rebulit completely. In the middle of clearing out the house.....parts of the roof kept tumbling down.....I was so sure that I was gonna die in there today....Which would be a bad thing since we aren't supposed to be in the house at all and if anything were to happen to any of us while we are in there, my grandma would lose out on the benefits of having insurance. They told us that since it was a mandatory evacuation.....if we are in the house when the rest of the roof falls....then the insurance company will not pay for anything. That sucks because we should be able to get in there and get our things....but whatever.....
So yeah....now I'm homeless and jobless for the next month or 2. I am stuck staying at Adam's mom's house....it's horrible....I'd rather be living in my apartment with no electricity than be here, but I couldn't do that to my kid....and even tho I have NO money at all anymore....I may have to try to get some sort of loan so I can get a hotel room for the next month. Unfortuantly FEMA isn't doing much for Texas....it seems like everyone is too busy worrying about Louisiana. I know that New Orleans needs all the help they can get....but shit....so do we....but nobody worries about us....I turned on the news....and all the news coverage is on New Orleans and the rest of Louisiana that got hit with Hurricane Rita...not one things was said about Texas. I talked with someone that works for the City of Beaumont today....they don't expect for things to be up and running for another 6 weeks....powerlines have to be repaired....and once they are....the first places to get power will be the hospitals and then the businesses......and then they have to get people to come remove all the trees that have fallen on the powerlines before they can get the residents power up and running......and then businesses have to be repaired and all that sort of stuff....so it'll be a while before I can go home.
What is even more sad is that I may not be returning to Beaumont as a resident. Adam (my ex...my baby's daddy....the guy that lives with me) is getting a job here in Houston....so now he wants to move back here....and I can't pay for my apartment on my own anymore since I bought a new car.....not to mention I have no job....so now I don't know what I'm gonna do. Adam is gonna get an apartment here in Houston and he said I could move in with him....but I don't think I want to. We don't get along....we have nothing in common......but I have no other place to go.....at least not until my grandmother's house is rebuilt and even then...I don't think I could handle living with her again.....things are so complicated now.................
I just wish things would go back to the way they were....I wish I had money.....I wish I had food......I wish I had more water....not for me tho....but for my kid......There is a limit on what I can and can't get.....and when you have a child...that makes having limits so much harder.
Current Mood: depressed
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September 24th, 2005
07:49 pm
So I evacuated....I am stuck in San Antonio.....I left on Wednesday...it took sooooo long to get here....traffic was horrible....I almost ran out of gas....and there was no gas to be found anywhere....it was scary....the thought of being stuck in my car for possibly a few days....no air....it's almost 100 degrees outside.....and to top it off....I had my kid with me. But I am alive.....and I guess thats all that should matter.
I heard that my apartment is non-existant now....which is a depressing thought......I just bought a $400 futon.....tons of new stuff.....spent almost $200 on paintings and stuff to decorate my walls with.....and now the thought of all that being gone......makes me wanna cry....but I'm trying to be strong....for my kid's sake.....
I dunno.....what a horrible thought.....losing EVERYTHING......Guess I'll have to see when I get home....I'm planning on heading home tomorrow......Hopefully they'll be letting us back into Beaumont.....if not....well....I dunno....but I am heading back tomorrow.....I am curious....and scared......
I'll write more later......when I have more time and less worries.....
Current Mood: gloomy
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September 21st, 2005
02:33 am
So I'm packing up and heading out at some point in time tomorrow....I REALLY don't want to evacuate....not alone anyway...The only reason I am leaving is because of Kandyce.....I have to be responsible and I'm not gonna take any chances with her....I have a feeling we aren't gonna get anything at all....but I'm sure that's what they were thinking in New Orleans before Katrina hit.....
I'm actually kinda scared....all my friends are staying behind.....EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM! If something major does hit....what will happen to them???? I don't want to come home just to find my friends dead or missing......it's killing me....if I could...I'd force them to leave...but not even the government can do that.........
I have to load up my car in the morning....chances are...I am taking my computer with me.....my whole life is on that damn thing.....it's almost as if it's a necessity. I don't know what else to take besides clothes and food and water for my little one.....of course she needs toys....So I have a lot to do tomorrow....the sad thing is...I don't really even know where to go......I heard on the Weather Channel earlier that they are expecting really bad weather all the up thru Dallas....that's like 5 hours away from here.....it's just crazy! It just seems as tho they are making a bigger deal out of this thing than what it really is.....but I'm still worried.
So things with the guy.....I still really don't know what is going on.....things are confusing and complicated.....he said he wants things to be simple....How can they be simple when feelings are involved?? I just don't understand....I mean...feelings are the most complex of anything.....how can you turn that into some sort of simplicity? I don't know....I guess I do over-react sometimes.....but it's because of things I've been thru....It's hard when you really like someone.....and the idea of them just disappearing from the picture one day is pretty painful. Sometimes I try to convince myself that I'm crazy.....that way I'd have an excuse.....or at least something to blame my reactions on, but I'm not crazy.....I'm just like any other person that's gone thru a line of horrible relationships....The scars run deep....and they still hurt. I think it's just really hard for me to trust anyone now.....I've been told that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that I give my heart out too quickly....I know people are right.....that's my downfall. I get hooked quickly......and it's hard to let go.....but sometimes it's what's best....and if in this case I'm forced to let go.....I will do so....and walk away with just one more scar.....
I always try to see the good in everyone....that's what I always focus on....no matter how much I get hurt....I keep telling myself things will change....things will get better......but it's rare that I'm right about that one....
Adam and I are fighting as usual.....he's still living with me.....but as soon as the lease is up...he's moving back to Houston.....I'll most likely rent a house after that.....Katy and I talked a little about being roomies once my lease is up...which would be cool....and then Laura and I talked about it too....so maybe I'll end up living with Katy, Laura and Kye. Who knows though..........
But yeah....Adam and I are at it again....I'm tired of always cleaning up this place by myself.....We just irritate the shit out of each other.....We have absolutely nothing in common.....I just don't know how we managed to make a relationship last for almost 4 years......but I seem to be drawn in by the ones that are totally different from me......they say opposites attract...so I dunno!
It's already 3 am and I can't sleep....I kinda feeling a little lonely tonight.....I just don't want to sleep by myself....tonight is one of those nights I wanna be all snuggled up close to someone......I'm cold....tired....and just feeling kinda *blah* so being in the arms of someone is a nice thought.....also a comforting one.
So Rita is now a catagory 3 hurricane and the winds are at 130 mph. (watching the weather channel in hopes of finding out that I don't have to even consider evacuating) It was about 20 minutes ago that they said the winds were at 115 mph....things seem to be changing quickly.......I don't want to leave........
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/contemplative.gif) contemplative
Current Music: *eyes focused on the tv*
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September 20th, 2005
04:20 pm - Anxiety Strikes Again
I am actually really annoyed now....So Hurricane Rita is coming our way....Galveston is doing a voluntary evacuation today and tomorrow they are saying it will most likely be mandatory......same with Brazoria county.....which is where the beach house is...but anyway......my family is pushing me to evacuate tomorrow.......I don't want to go until I know more about what's going on......I have a daughter.....she's the only reason I would evacuate at all........but I don't want to go until I'm told we should go......I don't see us getting much of anything.....but now that New Orleans was hit with Katrina.....people are freaking out about Rita...perhaps with reason....but I dunno.....I'm pissy!
Just thought I'd share that....sorry........
On top of this.....I'm frustrated with this guy I'm supposidly *talking* to.....He hasn't called me since Saturday....he stopped sending me text messages.....so I'm kinda nervous because I don't know why. I'm not sure if I did something that made him want to stop talking to me....maybe he's sick of me.....maybe he's totally not interested anymore......I don't know and it's almost killing me.....I really believe I have a reason to doubt a bunch of stuff with him....but he told me yesterday that I needed to stop having so many doubts.....but how can you stop doubting things without being given an explination?!?! He prolly thinks I'm some sort of psycho.....because I worry so much....but I just don't wanna be all emotionally involved with someone who may not want that anymore.....maybe he just wants to be friends now....nothing more at all.....but I won't know til he talks to me.....but I can't get him to talk to me....I guess I'm fucked and I should worry less.....maybe even stop caring until told otherwise.......BLAH!
I need some beer!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/pissed.gif) pissed off
Current Music: Judith by APC
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09:10 am
It seems as tho I have abandoned my livejournal.....I actually kinda forgot that I had an account....until this morning......But I'm back now.....I've been updating my blog on myspace....and somehow got more wrapped up with it than I expected........
Anyway....not much has changed since my trip to Salt Lake......
My kid went on vacation with my grandmother almost a month ago and I just got her back yesterday. All is well in my world again.....It sucked that I had to drive 12 hours yesterday just to pick Kandyce up and get her back home...but it was all worth it! My grandmother ended up in the emergency room Saturday night because she got really sick.....so that was pretty bad...but she's getting better now.....
Life is somewhat complicated at the moment....I have so much going on within the next month and 1/2....it's crazy!
I am going to see Avenged Sevenfold on Oct 14th.....then I'm going to see NIN on Oct 19th and then I'm going to see Opeth on Oct 21st. I may be heading back to Salt Lake on Oct 1st....but we still aren't 100% sure yet....I don't really care to go back...well I mean I do wanna go back.....but I don't really talk to anyone there anymore except Ricky and Russell.....and on rare occassions...Cody, so I dunno.
I'm still single....and I actually don't mind it for once....I started to get pretty lonely......but somehow I pulled out of that. I found someone I am into.....but I don't know where it's going....if anywhere. I'm terrified of getting hurt.....so we agreed to take things slow.......he's really hot....I like his mind....but he doesn't communicate well.....I keep thinking he is losing interest in me...and maybe he is.....but I don't know and I don't think I ever really will know......only time will tell.
I'm still kinda broken up over Tres and Russell.....which is fucking crazy! Tres and I happened over a year ago and he hasn't talked to me at all in about 9 months.....and Russell and I happened in March.....and he hasn't really said much to me since I left Salt Lake in July. He may come out here to go see Opeth with me....but I don't really know yet.....it would be kinda awkward.
So I'm rambling...I have nothing interesting to say as usual...hehe....so perhaps some other time :)
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/sore.gif) sore
Current Music: This Love by Pantera
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June 7th, 2005
11:03 pm
So I got a new car on Friday! :) I'm so happy but I'm also kinda stressing over this.....I have to pay my rent every month, plus bills, and now a car note....sometimes I wonder if I'm taking on too much....I'm worried that I won't be able to make it. I actually wasn't expecting to get approved for a car tho...I went into the dealership telling myself I was gonna be walking away with nothing....but once they ran my credit- they told me that it was soo good that I could walk away with any car I wanted. That made me pretty happy because I thought my credit was shit. So yeah....
Kandyce's birthday was on Saturday. She turned 2 :) We threw a little swimming party for her...she had fun. Its hard to believe she is already 2 years old. It's funny because she's a 2 yr old trapped in a 25 yr old's body.
So anyway...I've been busy working and planning my trip to Salt Lake City. I'm leaving for SLC on June 23rd....I have to drive there because plane tickets are really really high and since I got my new car...it'll all work out perfectly. I'll head back here on July 1st....but I am really nervous about going and I dunno why....it's kinda weird. Ashley (Adam's sis) is going with me so I don't have to go alone...not too sure how that will turn out.
Adam is supposed to be moving out here soon because he got a job at a Nissan dealership down the street. I was kinda excited about it at first....but the more I think about it...the more I don't want him here. He is a slob and totally irresponsible. When he comes out here- I have to be his maid....it pisses me off! He's is so damn lazy it's pathetic.
Well anyway....I think it's time to pass out....I'm exhausted!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/stressed.gif) stressed
Current Music: Ruin by Lamb Of God
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May 20th, 2005
01:32 am
Well it's been months since I had a real update....and it's been a really long time since I have read all of your entries....I miss you guys so much! *sighs*
So anyway....life is pretty good at the moment....
I'm going to see NIN on Tuesday and I'm fucking happier than ever! I tried getting tickets when they went on sale and they sold out soooo fast, but I managed to get my hands on 3 :) I'm one lucky bastard! So who wants to touch me? haha! I'm gay sometimes....
I had a job interview the other day with Bank Of America....I hope it went a lot better than I'm thinking it did. I don't want to work for a bank, but shit- they have really good benefits and they pay 80% of childcare...which is awesome considering how much I pay a year for that...I think last year...Kandyce was in daycare from Feb until September and I paid a little over $4500....it's crazy!
So I'm going to Salt Lake City next month....I can't even figure out why. I was originally going to try to win Russell's heart....but of course that had to fall thru....just found out like 2 days ago that he's got a girl now...so I'm heart broken over that...somewhat. It's all good though...I'm gonna hang with JR and a few other people and I'm still totally looking forward to that. It's not even about the people there anymore....it's about staying in a really nice condo in the mountains...the resort I'm staying at has a 27,000 sq ft spa....I have a feeling I'll be spending a LOT of time at the resort ;)
I've been single entirely too long now...it's getting kinda boring. I hate growing up and maturing....things are so different now. Everyone my age is getting married or are in committed relationships and have kids and don't go out anymore. I'm feeling 18 again....I wanna go out and party....I wanna date again....get drunk when I please...I wanna hang with my friends, go to shows and have NO responsibilies. Those were the good ol days....I miss being immature sometimes...I miss being a stupid teenager......
Ack! I really miss how things were with Russell...I miss him calling me like 5 times a day....I miss talking to him.....he lives 1700 miles from me....so I dunno why I keep letting this get me down. When he flew out here in March and hung with my for my birthday....that meant so much to me....the first 2 nights with him were awesome....more than awesome....and then the last 2 days he was here were awkward and not much fun....rather depressing even. Once he left...things just weren't the same anymore and I haven't heard from him much since then....he said he wanted to talk less because he didn't want to like me more since nothing could come of us because of the distance....but I don't understand why so many people are totally against long distance relationships.....it never hurts to try...you know? I think I pushed too hard for something to happen....He said he really liked me, but he didn't know what to do or what to think....but it doesn't even matter anymore....I've poured my heart out to him a few times....damn drunkeness....and still....nothing....not even a reply...damn my luck! He has a girlfriend now, so it's time to let go....
I got a haircut a few weeks ago....my hair is layered now....I hate it....makes me look 12.....I wanna dye it...but I dunno what color. I was gonna do red, but I want blue and purple again.....but having that would prolly prevent me from finding a better job. I like my job now- but it just doesn't pay enough...tho I did get a raise :) YAY for me!
Well anyway...I'm sleepy.....so I'm gonna crash...
Here's my newest pics....took it right before I chopped off my hair:
Those of you on myspace have most likely already seen these...but oh well :P
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: This Love by Pantera
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May 5th, 2005
01:10 am
I haven't been updating here much lately because my thoughts have been going down on my myspace blog....but I think I'm done blogging on myspace for now....
Not a whole lot has changed since my last update...still hurting over the shit with Russell....still working a lot....still getting settled into my new place....
I'm actually looking for another job at the moment....had an interview today....not too sure what is gonna happen with that though. I like where I'm working now...the only problem is the pay....I can't love off minimum wage.....it's just not possible.
Actually..I can't do this whole update thing right now....I'll finish this up tomorrow night....my mind is too clouded and I'm in a great deal of pain...thanks to a certain guy......
Sorry Melissa...I tried....I'll update soon tho...fill you in and stuff :)
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Weakness by Opeth
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April 16th, 2005
11:11 am
I didn't end up going to the movies last night...instead I went to the comedy club with Katy, Keith, Kim, Seth, and Wes. It was fun cuz I kinda got drunk for free...After it was over...we kinda hung out at the bar....talked about how Katy, Kim and I are lesbians now....got all the guys around us all hot and bothered...hehe!
Anyway...Kim and I ended up leaving with Seth and Wes....we drove around and smoked out....Seth forced us to listen to some freestyle bullshit that he did with Wes...it was lame...I was tempted to jump out the car....but luckily....Wes is really hot and nice to look at. I thought Seth was hot up until last night...haha!
I'm supposed to work today- but I'm thinking I may just go get a couple of piercings instead.
I need another job....I tired to go back to West....I wanted to get in with hotels.com...but they said they can't rehire me ever because of my reason for termination :( I was good at my job tho....but I was better at playing on the phone *wink wink*
I am so excited about moving....but I just don't want to have to do all that work. I'm gonna try and get off work a few days next week so I can get my ass moved in. I am already off Monday so I'm gonna try for Tuesday and Wednesday....I think.....but then again...I need to work cuz I need the money.
Well anyway....I'm off :)
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/drunk.gif) hungover
Current Music: The Hordes of Nebulah by Dark Throne
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April 15th, 2005
06:28 pm
Been a while since my last update...
I've been incredibly busy lately....been working a lot...been getting my car fixed and been looking for an apartment....and trying to fix my life....
I actually got approved for an apartment today so I'm moving in on Monday. I'm kinda excited....but I get weary thinking about the process of actually moving. I haven't packed up ANYTHING...and if you know me well....then you know I have a LOT of shit...so I'll be spending my weekend packing. I move in Monday morning at 10 am. YAY! But it's stressful just thinking about all the bills that come along with having an apartment. I gotta find a better paying job....otherwise I won't last long on my own. For my own sake....I HAVE to find another job or just get a 2nd one because if I can't make it on my own....I'll have too much pride to come back to my grandmothers. So now it's time for me to grow up and get my life and myself together. Kim has been living with me for the past 2 weeks....so I dunno what's gonna happen with her once I move...
I am so exhausted....physically and emotionally. I'm still kinda bummed about the whole Russell thing....but he still calls and sends me text messages....so that's gotta count for something. I was planning on going to Salt Lake City to hang with him next month....but I think I'm gonna put it off for a while....maybe I can convince him to take a trip back down here. <3 <3
I'm supposed to be going to the movies tonight with the people from work...gonna go see Ammittyville Horror or whatever its called....I'm kinda looking forward to that...I'm just waiting to hear from the people I'm goin with.
Well BLAH! I don't have much else to say at the moment...perhaps some other time ;)
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/productive.gif) productive
Current Music: I'm enjoying the silence
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April 5th, 2005
11:50 pm
I haven't been updating much lately....haven't had the desire to write about much....I'm not doing all that well tho....I'm pretty bummed out about Russell....turns out he doesn't want me...he was giving me hope there for a while...he was leading me on....but this has all turned around on me....I told him tonight that I don't want to talk to him anymore and as much as it hurt...I felt as tho it had to be done....
I don't know why I keep doing this to myself....I keep doing this internet bullshit and it always bites me in the ass...I will just continue to sit here and wait for the next asshole to come along and rob me of just a little more of my sanity....until finally there is nothing left.
The whole reason he doesn't want me is because of the distance....but i know that distance relationships can work....Adam and I worked....for 3 and 1/2 yrs....the only reason we broke it off is because we couldn't get along...not because of the distance....
I'm just so heart broken....I'll get over it tho...hopefully.....
Anyway...here a couple newer pics :) Tho I think most of you have seen them on myspace or hg already!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/disappointed.gif) disappointed
Current Music: Weakness by Opeth
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March 26th, 2005
12:18 am - New Pics
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: The Drapery Falls by Opeth
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